The Convert’s Dilemma

As I find myself in the oh-so joyous position of being in the gray void between convert and Jew, so conveniently created by modernity, I am repeatedly faced with a feeling of irrelevancy.  Having been raised a Jew, and having started out as a well intentioned Baal Teshuva, I felt as though my strides towards a more observant lifestyle truly resonated on high, so to speak.  And I still do, in part, feel that way.  However, I am now and again hit by gusts of futility.  I am not a Jew… yet I am one of the most observant Jews I know (or at least that are in my immediate vicinity).  I was born into an intermarried, secular/Reform household.  As I grew older I began to search, as many do, for my place in this world.  Judaism became that place for me, and I began to settle in.  However, being from an intermarried home (my mother is not Jewish), I am not halachically Jewish.  So feelings I thought were those of a BT (Baal Teshuva) were really those of a Ger (Convert).  Now, there are all sorts of fun issues associated with my slipshod conversion through the conservative movement that put me in this grey area.  I had a hatafat dam, was questioned by a Beis Din, and was immersed in a mikvah.  Yet for personal reasons of increased religiosity I was not satisfied with this conversion; understanding that it may not have been binding or totally official (it was totally official according to the conservative movement… but I am no longer a part of that world, and so I am a bit wary of the halachic standards implemented there).  So now I am in this netherworld of a non-Jewish Jew… and not in the Marxist conception of such an individual that Isaac Deutscher celebrated.  And therein lies my angst.  As a BT I want to live up to my new chosen life-style’s ideals as best I can.  I want to keep kosher, daven three times a day, go to Yeshiva and be accepted in a Minyan.  I want to be able to lead birkat hamazon and say brachot on behalf of others.  Yet I am not a BT… I am a convert… a potential convert at that.  While I can do these things for myself, they have no bearing on others.  Maybe it sounds selfish and childish, but it is difficult to do these things and to believe them as strongly as I do, yet have to sit back and let those around me who are not so religious, have no intention of being so religious, and are usually indifferent at best towards Judaism be able, pushed, and supported to do things half-heartedly that I would love to do with all my body and soul.  It is fantastic that these Jews are getting a chance to experience and connect with their tradition, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I can’t help but feel resentful and jealous.  It sometimes becomes difficult to continue to persevere and go through the motions, that while personally fulfilling, don’t really mean much at all in the communal context.  That is the convert’s dilemma, at least this convert’s dilemma.  How to continue to be inspired and feel connected while at the same time being barred from connecting the way others could connect and experince Judaism, but choose not to.  However, I would not have it any other way.  I am happy to be alive, so I cannot be too upset about the conditions of my birth (a Jewish upbringing while not actually being Jewish).  And I cannot be too upset about the restrictions put on my by Judaism… because I believe it to be true, and so if it tells me I have to wait a bit longer to do these things, then fine.  I would rather wait and put up with these feelings of jealousy and futility than go in and change halacha.  My only wish is that Jews today should respect their traditions more, if for no other reason than the realization that there is at least one person who is incessantly pining away to even have the opportunity to experience the privileges they were born with yet often disregard.